I am sleeping a lot, and hiding in the bathroom a lot, and waiting until the house is still before I can think. My energy is low, my motivation even lower. There is no tree in the house, no presents to be wrapped, no special treats hiding on the cold porch.
After three doctors appointment this week, I wish to never see another doctor again. And yet I have another three appointments next week. How did I get here? Should I resist? Should I accept? Who are these guys anyway? Without exception they have all met me with compassion and their highest knowing. The nurses and blood techs and volunteers have all reached out in a way that I am not sure I would be able to do. They all make me want to jump into the "medical profession". But...do they know what is real?? How it works?? What is Important?? I don't know.
I am full of doubt. Yet I will follow the traditions that I know. Tomorrow we will cut down the sickliest evergreen in our yard, and it will become the most beautiful tree in our home. We will adorn it with memories, and deck it with hopes. I will set up a painting table where we will "paint" the holy nights, and I will read Angel Cards for any who wish to hear.
In these darkest days, it is hard to feel the blessings. And yet they are there. The blessings of friends, and of family... the blessings of strangers; whether in the clinic or the supermarket. The blessing of the One who knows our struggles and forgives our darkness.
Blessings on these Christmas days!
Dear Annette,
ReplyDeleteThank you. Your words of wisdom, of courage and yet humility are a Christmas blessing. I spend half my time whining, and the other half in realization that I have nothing to complain about. Too bad life has to beat us up so to make us wake up. You're an inspiration and you remind me of the inspiration my Jeff was when he went through his cancer journey. Thank you.
You going to go in for lymphatic massage? I think it's a good idea after surgery.
Love, Bonnie
Oh dear Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteYES to lymphatic massage! I often think of you and Jeff and your journey, and wonder at how you both did what you did. The simplest things, like the good thoughts and prayers of friends like you, make it all so much more tolerable.
XXOO,
Annette