Is it Spring?

I have had a re-occuring dream lately, always a little different, yet always the same. It is late fall, Christmas is coming, it is snowing, Thea is home. It is late fall. It is not just a dream, it is my reality. The other day I found myself explaining to our accountant that Hannah had just graduated, just a few months ago, only this last June. She helped me figure out that that was last year...fortunately she in sympathetic to "chemo-brain" or she would probably fire me as a client.

I am over the sever burns on my chest from radiation, I am finished driving back and forth to the clinic, and I am finished checking my calendar daily to see if I have a doctors appointment somewhere. My energy level is better everyday. I have started to notice the cob-webs, and one of these days I will sweep them away.

We buried our old dog, Ruby, this week. She got so sick (with cancer) that she couldn't stand up anymore. She wasn't going to let go on her own, she felt totally responsible for the home and everyone in it. Our vet, and friend, Marta, came to the house and helped us to help her let go. We buried her that evening in our pet semitary, with her mother and half-sister. I said to Hannah, "It has been a very hard week." She say's back "It has been a very hard year."

On a lighter note, I attended a delightful party last week at Moira and Jeff's home. So wonderful to see so many friends and loved ones! I can't say that I was fully there in my mind, but I was in my heart! The party was on the spring equinox, and the moon was as full, and as bright as could be.

Soon the lilacs will come out of their hard shell, and the earliest spring flowers will show their greens and then I will know it is Spring!

Blessings on your Spring...and thanks for being!

On Fire

Last Friday I was supposed to receive my last dose of regular radiation (with five "boosts" to follow...) I arrived at the clinic in excutiating pain and tears. The radioligist came out to the waiting room and I told him that I wouldn't go to radiation again until I saw a nurse. He compassionately lead me back to an examine room, took a look, called in his nurse and left the room. After a few minute two nurses came in; one put gel packs for my burns while the other grabbed tissue for my tears, then she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You have the right to say No More. You are not a baby, these are bad burns, you have a right to say No More."

After the gel packs (which helped a lot) and more numbing cream (which I had to pull over twice in my hour long travel to LaCrosse to apply), I was wrapped in numbing pads and sent home with two presrciptions for high powered pain killers. Both of which I have needed in the past two days in order to keep from intense, burning pain.

I am done with radiation. The doctor is encouraging me to continue. The nurses are telling me I can say, "No More!." I know I am not a whimp...and I know I am hyper-sensitive to many things...metals...certain chemotherepies...foods...

I am finished with radiation...I have to be...I know what it feels like to be on fire and it is something I would never chose for myself or anyone else.

Way in the back of my mind I am thinking, "This is the end...all of the cancer treatments are done." I am waiting for the strength to declare myself healed...maybe after the burning stops...then healing can truly begin!

Love you all! Thanks for reading!