Cry Baby

I don't really cry...except lately...I walk by the piano that Stephen's mother bought for us many years ago and I hear Eamon and Aaron playing and I burst into tears...I remember Thea deciding she would learn how to play (as a senior in high school), and how she struggled with it. I remember and I burst into tears.

I go to work and am so thankful for Cindi and Kathy that I can hardly stand to be there. I stop at the co-op for a few essentials and I am hugged...I can barely make it to the car before the tears start.

I receive e-mails from dear ones and I can not answer because the tears take over. I receive gifts like my stay in one of the nicest hotels in LaCrosse, (with a Jacucci in the room...and overlooking the river!) My dear sister and hubby joined me, as well as Hannah. It was Hannah's birthday...a delightful time!

And I cry...

I am almost done with all of my treatments...first chemo, then surgery and now radiation...I am almost done, yet I hope the tears will last just a bit longer...

Tears of thankfulness, tears of remorse, tears of joy, tears of the living.

I never thought I might be a cry-baby, yet here I am!

Love and blessings on us all!

Friends

So a group of friends got together and pitched in for a room with a jacuzzi in LaCrosse. I don't know who all was involved (except for Moira!) but I send you all a big THANK-YOU!! So next Wednesday the 23rd, I don't have to drive home and then back again the next day! Instead I have a room at the Marriot!

Very humbling...and I am looking forward to it! So if you can make it, please feel welcome to stop by the Marriot on Wednesday between 4 and 6 PM. We will be "pool side" and I look forward to seeing any who can make it!

Radiation seems to be much easier on the body than chemo. I feel stronger than I did when I started. I do have a burn on my chest that is becoming bothersome...but I had almost worst burns as a teenager...must remember to ask the radiologist if I now have an increased risk of skin cancer...

Only two weeks left of radiation and then I am finished with conventional treatment!!! Yeah!!!

Afterwards, I will do a few rounds of vitamin C intravenous therapy. Insurance won't pay for it but I have R.N.'s at home who can administer it through the port that what put in for chemo. When I saw the oncologist she said "I bet you are ready to get that port removed" and I said "No, I am saving it for vitamin C therapy and she rolled her eyes...oh well! (Nor does the radiologist, who is watching out for skin care know anything about aloe, or calendula, or the problem with preservatives...don't know that I have educated them, but I hope they will be able to say to future patients, "I've heard of that! Seems like good stuff!")

I went to Madison last weekend and saw my little OakAro again. He is now 3 weeks old and I am in love! I can't wait to see him again and I am so thankful he is only two hours away! Isaac and Grace are expecting a baby the end of August! I don't know how I will stand to be so far away! Grace is from Ashland and has a great family support network, and Isaac has Aaron and Thea close at hand...but still...maybe I can get away for a few weeks in October?

Life is good...If you can, stop by the Marriot on Wednesday the 23rd. I would love to see you!!

Blessings on us all! Love you!!

Fingers

I started a new med today that is relieving the pain and numbness in my fingers. It is suppose to also make me sleepy...until I get use to it...It didn't make me sleepy...it made me excited to use my fingers so now I am awake and blogging, as in typing with my fingers. When I saw the oncoligist today, and she looked at my fingers (that have lost eight nails, the other two will go soon...same with my toes), she said "You had the most sever reaction to Paxil I have ever seen." I was suppose to do four rounds of this chemo, after two it was obvious that I couldn't take anymore. I never thought how it would be to have hands that don't work...I can't hold a scrubby in order to wash dishes, I can't remove old pictures from sleeves in albums (trying to make Adam his own album of pictures from when he was a baby...), I can't pick the pieces of a jig-saw puzzle off of the table, and when I lose the last two little nails, I won't be able to pick my nose or scratch an itch. And now I am just complaining...SORRY! The oncologist says she has never seen anyone whos nails don't grow back...I am trying to be hopeful...but it has been two months since the first one fell off and it has not grown a milimeter...I am still bitchings! SORRY!!

Today marks my half-way point through radiation! Hannah brought me a slice of chocolate cake from the Driftless, put a candle on it, and sang to me "Happy Half Way Through Radiation." What a sweet-heart...she also washes dishes! Going to radiation everyday (weekends off) is becoming a routine...not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. The people there are so sweet. Actual radiation is only about 15 minutes and it is all made so easy. Park in the special "radiation" parking lot, scan yourself as checked in, go in your own little dressing room, take off everything from the waist up, get in you "gown", lay on your personal molded head form, get a warm blanket wrapped around you, do your breathing (the radiation is timed to your breathing so it is not radiating lungs or heart), listen to the machines whill, get up, get dressed, go on your way.

Tomorrow I will go to Madison and stay with Adam and Caleah and little OakAro for a few days. I will take my watercolors and we will paint the envelopes for the birth announcements that Adam made. I will bring them the photo album that Hannah and I put together, and I will take the wooly sheep hide that has been my special friend for the last few months to OakAro.

My brain is still in "chemo fog" ...it seems it takes me forever to do the simplist things...fortunately love is an act of the heart and my heart still works! I love you all...Thank you for being here!