The Science

Just remembered...I have not answered the "science" question, that several have asked about.

It is not until the actual surgery that the pathologist can assess the tissue samples. So, on the right breast that was removed, there were non-cancerous lumps. One lymph node was removed and it was O.K. On the left, where the original cancer was "seen", the cancer in the primary lump was 90% dead, so the chemo did what it did. 9 out of 16 lymph nodes taken from my arm pit were cancerous. So chemo was not working there. The upshot is that my cancer has been up-graded to stage 3.

I am being told that I really need radiation. If less than three nodes were cancerous then radiation might or might not be helpful, with more than half infected, radiation is strongly advised.

So next month, I start driving to LaCrosse 5 days a week for six weeks. Early on, I was saying, "anything except radiation", now I am saying "some folks drive to LAX everyday for work...I can't complain."

I can't complain...I have the best support group a person could ask for...Love you all!

P.S. One of the nurses was telling me about an older woman that had a double mastectomy and the nurse was showing her the exercises she should do every day. The woman says "Oh thats no problem, I have been splitting wood already." OUCH...

Less and less, more and more

Tonight we had Chinese food and my fortune cookie offered this up. "As one grows to understand life less and less, one learns to live it more and more."

The gifts I placed "under the tree" this year were very few. The gifts I received were many. For me, it is easier to give than to receive. So I struggle with pride, I want to give, and instead am asking for help...can you open this jar, wash the dishes, scratch my back, plan supper, do the shopping? My family is quicker to respond than I am to ask. Not just my family, but also friends and co-workers.

Through these quiet nights I have been trying to paint, and to write. I am not happy with the outcome of either. My painting is chaotic, my writing disjointed. My pride is being attacked.

I understand life less and less, I hope in the new year I will learn to live life more and more, without so much pride.

Blessings on you and your loved ones and your New Year!!

Christmas Blessings

Blessings on these dark days!

I am sleeping a lot, and hiding in the bathroom a lot, and waiting until the house is still before I can think. My energy is low, my motivation even lower. There is no tree in the house, no presents to be wrapped, no special treats hiding on the cold porch.

After three doctors appointment this week, I wish to never see another doctor again. And yet I have another three appointments next week. How did I get here? Should I resist? Should I accept? Who are these guys anyway? Without exception they have all met me with compassion and their highest knowing. The nurses and blood techs and volunteers have all reached out in a way that I am not sure I would be able to do. They all make me want to jump into the "medical profession". But...do they know what is real?? How it works?? What is Important?? I don't know.

I am full of doubt. Yet I will follow the traditions that I know. Tomorrow we will cut down the sickliest evergreen in our yard, and it will become the most beautiful tree in our home. We will adorn it with memories, and deck it with hopes. I will set up a painting table where we will "paint" the holy nights, and I will read Angel Cards for any who wish to hear.

In these darkest days, it is hard to feel the blessings. And yet they are there. The blessings of friends, and of family... the blessings of strangers; whether in the clinic or the supermarket. The blessing of the One who knows our struggles and forgives our darkness.

Blessings on these Christmas days!

The Morning After

So what am I doing blogging the day after having both my breasts removed? I am feeling relief,

energy and no pain, and the need to communicate with you all!

Stephen and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 AM yesterday, surgery was at 7:30. I was a nervous wreck, and had been for a few days, maybe even for weeks. I was so full of anticipation, that I had become very introspective...barely able to answer an e-mail...or the phone. Today those feelings are gone. I feel like I can make plans, move forward, and learn to appreciate my new body.

I was told that double mastectomy is considered to be a day surgery, but about 50% end up staying in the hospital for a night, or two. By 4 PM it was obvious that I was ready to go home,

little to no pain and up walking to the bathroom. We were home by 6. Every few hours Hannah or Stephen would come and check on me, with Hannah keeping track of the pain med. schedule. I had some of the best soup and bread I have ever eaten, thanks to a dear friend, who also brought a lovely bottle of wine. I asked Hannah if she thought it was O.K. to have some; she came back at me with long list of famous people who had overdosed with alcohol and pain meds...then she said ONE glass would be fine...best glass of wine I've ever had!

I came out of the O.R. with a cute pink tank-top type wrap on my chest that closes with velcro in the front. Pinned to the bottom of it are four plastic bulbs, like turkey baster bulbs, that are connected to the drainage system running under the skin all though my chest. Several times a day I will empty the bulbs and measure the content. When the daily drainage gets below a certain point, they will be removed. Today or tommorrow (at the latest) I will take a shower, and change the dressing, and put my pink wrap back on.

No doubt in the next weeks I will have moments of pain and discomfort and frustration. What I won't have is the fear of surgery or chemo. For me, this is a great trade-off and the morning after!

I love you all, and know that your prayers, thought and actions are the best of blessings!