Is it Spring?

I have had a re-occuring dream lately, always a little different, yet always the same. It is late fall, Christmas is coming, it is snowing, Thea is home. It is late fall. It is not just a dream, it is my reality. The other day I found myself explaining to our accountant that Hannah had just graduated, just a few months ago, only this last June. She helped me figure out that that was last year...fortunately she in sympathetic to "chemo-brain" or she would probably fire me as a client.

I am over the sever burns on my chest from radiation, I am finished driving back and forth to the clinic, and I am finished checking my calendar daily to see if I have a doctors appointment somewhere. My energy level is better everyday. I have started to notice the cob-webs, and one of these days I will sweep them away.

We buried our old dog, Ruby, this week. She got so sick (with cancer) that she couldn't stand up anymore. She wasn't going to let go on her own, she felt totally responsible for the home and everyone in it. Our vet, and friend, Marta, came to the house and helped us to help her let go. We buried her that evening in our pet semitary, with her mother and half-sister. I said to Hannah, "It has been a very hard week." She say's back "It has been a very hard year."

On a lighter note, I attended a delightful party last week at Moira and Jeff's home. So wonderful to see so many friends and loved ones! I can't say that I was fully there in my mind, but I was in my heart! The party was on the spring equinox, and the moon was as full, and as bright as could be.

Soon the lilacs will come out of their hard shell, and the earliest spring flowers will show their greens and then I will know it is Spring!

Blessings on your Spring...and thanks for being!

On Fire

Last Friday I was supposed to receive my last dose of regular radiation (with five "boosts" to follow...) I arrived at the clinic in excutiating pain and tears. The radioligist came out to the waiting room and I told him that I wouldn't go to radiation again until I saw a nurse. He compassionately lead me back to an examine room, took a look, called in his nurse and left the room. After a few minute two nurses came in; one put gel packs for my burns while the other grabbed tissue for my tears, then she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You have the right to say No More. You are not a baby, these are bad burns, you have a right to say No More."

After the gel packs (which helped a lot) and more numbing cream (which I had to pull over twice in my hour long travel to LaCrosse to apply), I was wrapped in numbing pads and sent home with two presrciptions for high powered pain killers. Both of which I have needed in the past two days in order to keep from intense, burning pain.

I am done with radiation. The doctor is encouraging me to continue. The nurses are telling me I can say, "No More!." I know I am not a whimp...and I know I am hyper-sensitive to many things...metals...certain chemotherepies...foods...

I am finished with radiation...I have to be...I know what it feels like to be on fire and it is something I would never chose for myself or anyone else.

Way in the back of my mind I am thinking, "This is the end...all of the cancer treatments are done." I am waiting for the strength to declare myself healed...maybe after the burning stops...then healing can truly begin!

Love you all! Thanks for reading!

Cry Baby

I don't really cry...except lately...I walk by the piano that Stephen's mother bought for us many years ago and I hear Eamon and Aaron playing and I burst into tears...I remember Thea deciding she would learn how to play (as a senior in high school), and how she struggled with it. I remember and I burst into tears.

I go to work and am so thankful for Cindi and Kathy that I can hardly stand to be there. I stop at the co-op for a few essentials and I am hugged...I can barely make it to the car before the tears start.

I receive e-mails from dear ones and I can not answer because the tears take over. I receive gifts like my stay in one of the nicest hotels in LaCrosse, (with a Jacucci in the room...and overlooking the river!) My dear sister and hubby joined me, as well as Hannah. It was Hannah's birthday...a delightful time!

And I cry...

I am almost done with all of my treatments...first chemo, then surgery and now radiation...I am almost done, yet I hope the tears will last just a bit longer...

Tears of thankfulness, tears of remorse, tears of joy, tears of the living.

I never thought I might be a cry-baby, yet here I am!

Love and blessings on us all!

Friends

So a group of friends got together and pitched in for a room with a jacuzzi in LaCrosse. I don't know who all was involved (except for Moira!) but I send you all a big THANK-YOU!! So next Wednesday the 23rd, I don't have to drive home and then back again the next day! Instead I have a room at the Marriot!

Very humbling...and I am looking forward to it! So if you can make it, please feel welcome to stop by the Marriot on Wednesday between 4 and 6 PM. We will be "pool side" and I look forward to seeing any who can make it!

Radiation seems to be much easier on the body than chemo. I feel stronger than I did when I started. I do have a burn on my chest that is becoming bothersome...but I had almost worst burns as a teenager...must remember to ask the radiologist if I now have an increased risk of skin cancer...

Only two weeks left of radiation and then I am finished with conventional treatment!!! Yeah!!!

Afterwards, I will do a few rounds of vitamin C intravenous therapy. Insurance won't pay for it but I have R.N.'s at home who can administer it through the port that what put in for chemo. When I saw the oncologist she said "I bet you are ready to get that port removed" and I said "No, I am saving it for vitamin C therapy and she rolled her eyes...oh well! (Nor does the radiologist, who is watching out for skin care know anything about aloe, or calendula, or the problem with preservatives...don't know that I have educated them, but I hope they will be able to say to future patients, "I've heard of that! Seems like good stuff!")

I went to Madison last weekend and saw my little OakAro again. He is now 3 weeks old and I am in love! I can't wait to see him again and I am so thankful he is only two hours away! Isaac and Grace are expecting a baby the end of August! I don't know how I will stand to be so far away! Grace is from Ashland and has a great family support network, and Isaac has Aaron and Thea close at hand...but still...maybe I can get away for a few weeks in October?

Life is good...If you can, stop by the Marriot on Wednesday the 23rd. I would love to see you!!

Blessings on us all! Love you!!

Fingers

I started a new med today that is relieving the pain and numbness in my fingers. It is suppose to also make me sleepy...until I get use to it...It didn't make me sleepy...it made me excited to use my fingers so now I am awake and blogging, as in typing with my fingers. When I saw the oncoligist today, and she looked at my fingers (that have lost eight nails, the other two will go soon...same with my toes), she said "You had the most sever reaction to Paxil I have ever seen." I was suppose to do four rounds of this chemo, after two it was obvious that I couldn't take anymore. I never thought how it would be to have hands that don't work...I can't hold a scrubby in order to wash dishes, I can't remove old pictures from sleeves in albums (trying to make Adam his own album of pictures from when he was a baby...), I can't pick the pieces of a jig-saw puzzle off of the table, and when I lose the last two little nails, I won't be able to pick my nose or scratch an itch. And now I am just complaining...SORRY! The oncologist says she has never seen anyone whos nails don't grow back...I am trying to be hopeful...but it has been two months since the first one fell off and it has not grown a milimeter...I am still bitchings! SORRY!!

Today marks my half-way point through radiation! Hannah brought me a slice of chocolate cake from the Driftless, put a candle on it, and sang to me "Happy Half Way Through Radiation." What a sweet-heart...she also washes dishes! Going to radiation everyday (weekends off) is becoming a routine...not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. The people there are so sweet. Actual radiation is only about 15 minutes and it is all made so easy. Park in the special "radiation" parking lot, scan yourself as checked in, go in your own little dressing room, take off everything from the waist up, get in you "gown", lay on your personal molded head form, get a warm blanket wrapped around you, do your breathing (the radiation is timed to your breathing so it is not radiating lungs or heart), listen to the machines whill, get up, get dressed, go on your way.

Tomorrow I will go to Madison and stay with Adam and Caleah and little OakAro for a few days. I will take my watercolors and we will paint the envelopes for the birth announcements that Adam made. I will bring them the photo album that Hannah and I put together, and I will take the wooly sheep hide that has been my special friend for the last few months to OakAro.

My brain is still in "chemo fog" ...it seems it takes me forever to do the simplist things...fortunately love is an act of the heart and my heart still works! I love you all...Thank you for being here!

New Life

Late last Thursday evening, Hannah and I got the call, Caleah and Adam were in labor. We jumped in the car and drove to Madison...no stops, even though both our bladders were bursting. We arrived at the birthing center about 10 minutes after the baby was born. He is perfect! Born in the cahl, beautiful 8 # boy. Caleah went through transition in the car, what a trouper and mother! The baby was born in the tub a few contractions later. Their Dula caught it all in video, and I had the chance to watch is several times...each time my heart chocked, and I sobbed...there is nothing more powerful that seeing a birth...and seeing a mother whip around from being on all fours to greeting her baby...the first thing she said to him was "all you alright honey"? He is perfect, and both his mom and dad made sure he entered this world in the best way possible. If was a very fast labor...

His name is OakAro , his mom and dad say they will call him Aro, GrammaAnnie (that's me) will call him by his full name OakAro.

Hannah and I (soon to be joined by Stephen) spent a few days with the new family in Madison. What precious moments. Caleah is such a natural mother...and Adam as well! I am so proud to watch them both...

Their dula came the next day to prepare the placenta...some of it ground up rare for Caleah to drink in a smoothie...some of it dried in a food dryer and then ground, and encapsulated, for Caleah to take over the next few weeks. Very powerful stuff for vegitarians!

I made it to my radiation appointment today...through rough weather...and after sending off a meriad of government forms due today...(business stuff...reporting the same information to the state...in three different forms...and the feds...in two different forms...).

I have never felt so possitive about my cancer treatment as I do today. I want to be here for OakAro and for Adam and Caleah. I want to be GrammaAnnie for a long, long time.

Thank you for reading and caring...know that I love you!

The Science

Just remembered...I have not answered the "science" question, that several have asked about.

It is not until the actual surgery that the pathologist can assess the tissue samples. So, on the right breast that was removed, there were non-cancerous lumps. One lymph node was removed and it was O.K. On the left, where the original cancer was "seen", the cancer in the primary lump was 90% dead, so the chemo did what it did. 9 out of 16 lymph nodes taken from my arm pit were cancerous. So chemo was not working there. The upshot is that my cancer has been up-graded to stage 3.

I am being told that I really need radiation. If less than three nodes were cancerous then radiation might or might not be helpful, with more than half infected, radiation is strongly advised.

So next month, I start driving to LaCrosse 5 days a week for six weeks. Early on, I was saying, "anything except radiation", now I am saying "some folks drive to LAX everyday for work...I can't complain."

I can't complain...I have the best support group a person could ask for...Love you all!

P.S. One of the nurses was telling me about an older woman that had a double mastectomy and the nurse was showing her the exercises she should do every day. The woman says "Oh thats no problem, I have been splitting wood already." OUCH...