New chemo, new response

It is totally premature, and I have to knock on wood, but I must say that this new round of chemo sees so much easier than the last.

I am cooking, I am eating, I think I maybe doing what I need to do at work! My mom says I seem to be feeling feisty! And it is true!

It is not only a change in chemo drugs, it is also giving myself a four week break from chemo (against doctor advise). I needed to do this in order to spend time with my kids, and family but in retrospect, I also needed to do this in order to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, in order to feel like it might be worth fighting, in order to feel like me again.

The major side effects of this new round of chemo is numbness in toes and fingers, which I am experiencing, but which is pretty normal for me five months out of the year! (We call it winter!) The other effect is deep bone pain which I have not experienced yet....I have heard from others that this is the point where I have to say "Enough!"

Next week I meet with the surgeon. I feel strong in what I want him to do, remove all breast tissue from both sides and get a plastic surgeon to stitch me up. Clean and smooth...everything is done...letting go. THE END!!!

On another note, a comrade and friend died last week, after a fall down her stairs in her home. Sometimes life and death seem so random, so far-fetched, so unfair. Sometimes life seems perfect, beyond our understanding or control. Blessing on the life and re-birth of Alma Knoll.

Love you All!

New Chemo Day

Today I drove myself to my all day adventure at Gunderson Lutheran Breast Clinic. I had blood work, and then a physical, and them my new next round of chemo. I have only seen the chemo doctor once, before I started chemo, but I have seen her P.A. every time since. I am growing rather attached to her. She remembers every detail, down to how my lump felt the last time, she notices if I have lost weight, she sees the change in the texture of my skin, and assures me it is short term. I have not told her that I see she is with child. My guess is she is four months along. I hope she will give herself the time with her child...the time that they both will need.

This chemo drug will be given every two weeks, and again I will inject myself for eight days between treatments with a new drug that will enable me to do chemo every two weeks...making the total chemo experience two months shorter. Making surgery two months sooner...

Soon it will be decision time...reconstructive surgery on the one breast, with the 20 % possibility of new cancer growth in the same breast, or in the other breast at some point in the future. Mastectomy on one or both sides. Both sides means it is not a concern in the future. One side means I may feel loop-sided, and may develop cancer in the other side in the future. Both sides means I won't have to call upon the magical insurance fearie again...and there are no guarentees that the insurance will be there in two years.

Today I drove myself to chemo for the first time and after eight hours I drove myself home again. It felt good. I went food shopping on the way home and when I got home I made my favorite dish...chicken and vegitable casarole. I made enough that I can freeze batches for when I don't feel like cooking. Stephen is back to working 12 hour shifts, there are no kids at home. It feels good. My mom, sister and two friends assured me that if I felt like I couldn't drive I could call them. Knowing there are so many who care, and who will step in, is an increadible blessing, knowing I can do it on my own is a blessing as well. It is what us women do. We do it if we can, and if we can't we call on those who can.

Blessings on us all!

Break Time

Just home from 10 days in Oregon. Stephen and I flew into Portland, rented a car and then drove to the coast to meet up with Stephen's brothers, their boys, his cousins, and their kids. It has been nine years since the "Park and Bruce" clans have gathered. All of our kids were there as well...what an incredible treat for all! (Especially for me!)

Two days before we left, I was diagnosed with deep vain thrombosis in my calf. Not considered a side effect of chemo, but is a side effect of cancer. The radiologist said it is often the first sign of cancer. The consequence was that Stephen did all the driving, and let me rest my leg wherever...what a trouper!

After a long and wonderful weekend on the coast, Stephen and Isaac drove us down to Ashland where we spent the next few days. Stephen and I stayed in the little apartment above the Yellow Cupboard. It was great to spend time with our kids, in their day-to-day activities as well as with Francis Knapp, Anton Bezin, Glenn Willis and his partner Lisa and Isaac's partner Grace. What a fine bunch of young folks....

I absolutely dread starting up chemo in two days...can't even force myself to think about the surgery to follow. On the other hand, I am so thankful for this little break...I think and hope it will carry me through.

Love you all!