Steps to acceptance

We have all heard about the steps ones goes through when faced with personnal grief or "bad news." Denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance. (I think there are nine or so fazes, but the others slip my mind.) I always thought of myself as one who could pretty quickly move to acceptance, but I had a different experience in the face of being diagnosed with cancer.

There was definately the denial...I knew it wasn't good before I saw my primary doctor, who knew it wasn't good as soon as she felt it. I remained in denial until the head doctor at the breast clinic called me and told me the results of the needle biopsies.

Then I got pissed, and started pacing, first around the house and then around the perimeter of our one acre lot. I walked most of the day, around and around. I would pick up sticks, small branches that seem to always be falling from the old maple trees, and I would walk, and I would break these sticks into little pieces, and I would throw them into the fire pit, and I would keep walking, and breaking sticks, and thowing them into the fire pit. I walked my little circle for the good part of two days, and then I went in the house and started making phone calls, and painting cards which became invitations to a "breast friends" party.

With no health insurance, I was trying to weigh the cost of treatment versus the cost of no treatment. I called the local health department and found out I may be eligible for a special

"well women's" program that covers the expense of screening, as well as treatment for breast and ovarian cancer. I met with our county health care nurse and we went through the numbers, and we found a way for me to get into the program. The first time I cryed, after the fact of cancer, was in her office, when I realized I could get treatment without filing for bankrupcy.

During these three days, Stephen was working away from home. When he got home, I had to tell him what was going on. He had just worked 36 hours in three days and then driven home, a two plus hour drive. I am pretty sure he went to bed that night in a state of denial. I am pretty sure I am still in a state of anger...or is it acceptance, or is it thankfulness?

I will write soon about the increadible cost of cancer treatment, and the unfairness of what insurance companies allow, what they don't and what it means.